The Marauders watch A Very Potter Sequel!
by hplover1999
Summary: I adopted this story from MarauderWorshipper and they own the first 14 chapters and the summary. Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and James Potter are bored in the Room of Requirement. They decide to ask the room for something interesting to do. Then, they find a computer with a very interesting musical. T because I'm paranoid and this cusses.
1. The Room of Requirement

**Hey Guys! I know you probably haven't seen me on the site for a little but i promise i will never abandon my stories! I will finish all of them as soon as I can. I was on vacation for winter break but i should be updating regularly now! Cheers! Ok so like you probably read in the summary I adopted this story from MaraduerWorshipper. They own the first 14 chapters of this so since I already have them updates should be fast! Let me know how fast I should post them in a review or PM! Well anyway on with the story!**

Three of the four marauders were lounging in the Room of Requirement, with nothing to do. Christmas break had come and Sirius Black, James Potter, and Remus Lupin were staying at Hogwarts that year.

"I wish we had something to do!" groaned James, lying down on a red couch repeatedly releasing and catching a golden snitch. "There's no one even here to prank! Why did my parents have to go off to Egypt without me? Peter got to go home!"

"I don't know James," said Remus. "It's really not that bad here during Christmas! The feast is great and everything!" Remus was relaxing with a good book on a comfortable armchair. Although, it wasn't very relaxing with James and Sirius complaining about their boredom every few minutes.

"I just wish we had something to do! Someone to prank!" Sirius shouted. "We can't even prank Snape because Prongs wants to stay on Lily's good side after _finally _getting her to date him!" James began to protest, but Remus just shook his head.

"Well," said Remus thoughtfully. "We're in the Room of Requirement; why not ask the room for something interesting?" James and Sirius gaped at him. Why hadn't they thought of that?

"Okay!" they exclaimed together and raced towards the door. "Come on, Moony! Hurry up!" The werewolf smirked at their impatience and began moving as slowly as possible towards the door, before James and Sirius grabbed him and dragged him from the room quickly. James and Sirius released Remus as soon as they had completely exited the Room.

"Okay," said James, "I'm just going to ask it for something interesting to do." He walked in front of the blank wall, eyes closed tightly and muttering. A small, nondescript door appeared from nothing and the three seventeen year olds rushed inside, barely avoiding trampling each other. The room was empty except for a single couch seated in front of a desk. Two armchairs curved around the desk to the right of the couch and a single armchair to the left.

A gray, boxlike thing with a black screen sat on the desk. A board with letters and numbers covering its surface sat in front of it. On top of the board was a piece of parchment with a note scrawled on it.


	2. Act 1 Part 1

**Hey I'm back! Ok this chapter still belongs to MarauderWorshipper so I give them total credit. My writing won't actually start until chapter 15. Everything in bold belongs to Starkid!**

Sirius and James looked at the box, completely bemused.

"Uh Remus, you know everything, what the hell is that?" queried Sirius.

"I'm pretty sure that its what muggles call 'computers.' You can find information and things like that on it.

"Ahhh," was all that he received in reply.

James finally moved towards the computer and picked up the note that was sitting in the keyboard.

He sat on one of the armchairs and began to read aloud: _Dear James, Sirius, and Remus, I was wondering when you would ask the room to give you something interesting. _

"Huh? Who wanted us to see this-uh- cumpooter?" asked Sirius.

"Computer, Sirius. And maybe we can find out if you stop talking!" retorted Remus exasperatedly.

James continued, _"This is a computer, if none of you realized yet. I'm giving you this because I want you to see a certain musical."_

"A musical? Really? Aren't those for little kids or something?"

He was ignored.

_"The musical is called 'A Very Potter Sequel.'" _

"Potter?" said Remus, confused.

"You have a musical about you Prongs?" Sirius asked.

"Of course not, even though I am handsome enough to have several." James grinned cockily.

"Of course you are James," Remus said kindly. James, thinking it was a complement, drank it in while Sirius sniggered at him.

"Keep reading, Prongs!" urged Sirius.

_"It is about the life of James' son,"_

"Ooohh, who's the unlucky lady?" Sirius taunted playfully.

"Oh shut up, Padfoot," he snapped as he smacked Sirius' arm.

"Owww!" cried Sirius, but James and Remus ignored him and kept reading.

_"Harry Potter. If you were wondering, his mother is Lily Evans. It is about his Hogwarts years, though it is out of order. This musical focuses on his third and fifth year. This is a parody, meaning that it is supposed to be funny. This one gives you the basic idea, but remember, not everything that happens in this really happened. This is the one of two musicals, but this one concerns you the most."_

"What do they mean by that?" Remus wondered aloud.

Sirius jumped and began shouting at once. "Moony doesn't know something! The world is ending!"

"But Moony knows everything! He can't not know something!" exclaimed James loudly.

Remus simply rolled his eyes at their antics and took the note from James. He sat down on an armchair and started to read.

_"The computer is charmed to pause automatically whenever you speak. I would like two other people to be with you while you watch this. The following two are:"_

Remus groaned as he glanced over the parchment, "This is not going to end well," while the other two Marauders looked eager.

_"Lily Potter"_

"Yes!" James screeched right in Remus' werewolf enhanced ears. The werewolf cringed at his voice, but no one noticed.

"Oh no," moaned Sirius.

Remus began reading the list once again.

_"And Severus Snape."_

There was silence for a moment, but then all hell broke loose. James and Sirius began protesting at once, saying how "Snivellus hates us and we hate him! We'll just end up fighting to the death!"

Remus continued _"I would prefer there be no violence so I'm going to have to ask you to not use any magic or attack each other in any way. I've already sent notes to Lily and Severus that explained everything and they should be arriving in about five minutes. I hope you find this musical enjoyable. -A friend_

"No violence!" exclaimed James crazily. "All the so called violence is self defense against Snape!"

"James, just calm down. Snape isn't allowed to attack either." soothed Remus, the voice of reason.

The marauders sat in the seats waiting, Sirius and James on the couch, with Remus in an armchair. They were waiting for Lily and Snape to come. While they awaited the confrontation, they thought about who sent the note.

"I've got it!" bellowed Sirius. "Maybe it's someone from the future!"

Before James and Remus had time to do any more than shake their heads at the absurd idea, Snape stalked through the door, with Lily behind him, staying far back enough that it was obvious she didn't want anything to do with him anymore.

"Snivellus," James said coldly to Snape, clutching his wand in his pocket.

"Potter," Snape sneered right back.

"Well then," Remus burst in, interrupting the two's murderous glares at each other. "Shall we watch the musical?"

"Fine." James spat out. "Oh hey Lily-Flower!" he said happily, with no trace of the coldness he had used to speak to Snape.

Lily rolled her eyes but smiled. She took the armchair next to Remus while Snape took the chair farthest from them all.

"I'll press play then" declared Lily and the others nodded their agreement.

**Lucius: You're late. **

**Yaxley: Late? What's it matter? Look at this mornings Prophet! The Dark Lord, dead for good! We backed the wrong side-again!**

"Voldemort is defeated?" whispered James unbelievingly.

"I think so!" Sirius whooped.

The three marauders jumped up and began joyfully shouting. Lily sat in her chair, but it looked like she was barely keeping herself from jumping up as well.

Snape was confused. He was planning to join the Death Eaters once he left Hogwarts, but if the Dark Lord was defeated he didn't want to be on the losing side.

Finally the boys settled down and sat back in their chairs, grinning wildly.

**Lucius: Calm yourself, Yaxley. **

**Yaxley: All us Death Eaters are going to Azkaban now. Nooo! No! No! No!**

"A bit over dramatic isn't he?" laughed Sirius.

**Lucius: Do you have what I sent you for?**

**Yaxley: Yeah, I got it. I had to break into the Ministry for it, but I got it. **

"What is it?" asked Sirius innocently.

"Well maybe if you shut up Black we could find out!" snapped Snape.

**Lucius: Excellent. **

**Yaxley: The Dark Lord not dead already a day and they've already got wizard cops after us. **

Lily laughed, but James and Sirius looked simply confused.

Lily explained. "Cops are basically muggle aurors."

James and Sirius nodded their understanding.

**Lucius: Damm those wizard cops! Well, none of that matters anymore as long as we have this."**

"A time turner? Those can only go back hours, how would that help them?" questioned Remus.

**Yaxley: Who do you think you are? We don't stand a chance against those wizard cops. Not even you Lucius Malfoy. **

"Wait, Lucius Malfoy," started James, "wasn't he a 7th year prefect or something in our first year?"

They all looked to Snape who simply nodded his head.

"I knew he would be a Death Eater," Sirius spat out.

**Lucius: Don't ever tell me what I can't do. I'd watch my tongue if I were you. For all you know, You-Know-Who could be watching us. **

"Nope! He's dead!" James and Sirius exclaimed in unison.

**Yaxley: He can't be! He's dead!**

"That's right Yaxley-dear!" Sirius sang, "aren't you a smart one!"

**Lucius: That never stopped our plans before! You have no idea what I have in store. You really think that'd you'd be at my door if we had nothing to discuss? He may be gone but that is just as well. Come inside, don't you fret, it's not over yet. **

**Death Eaters: Evil plans! We are making evil plans. Evil deeds with evil hands. We love making evil plans. **

"Does everything have to be evil for them?" Lily asked.

"Of course!" James said, glaring at Snape, "they're all evil little slime balls."

**Death Eater 1: Lucius Malfoy, why have you called us here?**

**Death Eater 2: What do we do Lucius?**

**Death Eater 3: There's nothing to do! The Dark Lord is dead! Harry Potter wins! End of story!**

James spoke to Lily, "Our son-"

"-defeats Voldemort!" finished Lily.

"That's amazing! How did he do it?" Sirius asked Remus, who,according to Sirius, knew everything.

"How am I supposed to know?" Remus looked slightly frustrated but he was grinning at James and Lily who were hugging.

**Lucius: Yes I know! He marries Ginny,**

James interrupted again. "Oooh who's Ginny?"

Lily lightly slapped his arm. "James, you can dig into his love life when the time comes, but not now." She said this like she was annoyed but the was smiling at James.

"Well I just want to know who my kid is marrying!" James defended himself.

**Lucius: they live happily ever after. There is literally no way to move forward at this point. **

**Yaxley: Why are we all here?**

**Lucius: I was just getting that. Harry Potter,**

**Death Eaters: Aggh!**

**Lucius: We're in this sorry state because of him. And think of all the chances we had to destroy him! Why, if we'd destroyed him at his first year at Hogwarts we'd be ruling the world right now! **

**Death Eaters: Yaghhh!**

**Death Eater 1: Yes Lucius, no one is arguing that. Ragh!**

**Death Eater 4: But what does it matter about that? We can't change the past!**

**Lucius: Oh? I know it seems impossible. We've been thrown off track. But if we can't move forward, why shouldn't we move back?**

Remus, Lily, and Severus suddenly gained looks of understanding, while James and Sirius looked stupidly at the screen.

**Lucius: Friends and companions of evil and sin; think not of loss but a new way to win. For what is the present without a beginning to start it all. **

**Yaxley: Go on...**

**Lucius: There is a boy that everyone know; the plan is simple: I propose that we choke the weed before it grows up and ends it all. Do you follow me?**

"No," said James and Sirius together.

Remus spoke slowly to them, "He's going to use the time turner to go back to Harry's first year and kill him."

"That death eater scum can't kill my son! He's a Potter! Nothing can kill a Potter!" shouted James.

Sirius agreed with James "Yeah, nothing kills a Potter! Those slimy gits better not put a paw on my godson!"

"Godson?" asked James, bewildered.

"Well duh! I'm obviously going to be his godfather! Right Prongs?"

James smirked. "Oh I dunno, I think Remus might make a better godfather. "

"Most people would," Remus said slyly, "even Snape.

"OY! SNIVELLUS? A BETTER GODFATHER THAN ME?" Sirius roared.

"As if I would want to be godfather to Potters little brat anyway," Severus said coolly.

It was not Sirius, but Lily who went for Severus. "Don't you dare insult my friends or my son, _Snivellus_.

She returned to her seat and the musical resumed playing.

**Death Eater 1: No. **

**Lucius: The Dark Lord would have survived had they never met...**

**Death Eater 2: So you're saying that he wouldn't be destroyed?**

**Lucius: He'd be alive, what don't you get? **

**Death Eater 3: Still not understanding. **

"Death Eaters are so slow!" yelled James.

Remus looked at him incredulously, having explained it to him only moments ago.

**Lucius: With Potter gone, the future will be set!**

**Death Eaters: Oooohhhhh!**

"About time," muttered Sirius.

Lucius: So it's not over yet!

**Death Eaters: Evil plans! What a brilliant evil plan! Malfoy you're an evil man! We love making evil plans! (Commence creepy Malfoy petting)**

All but Severus burst out laughing, but a tiny smile curled up the ends of his lips.

"What the hell are they doing?" Sirius managed to choke out through his laughter.

"They're _stroking_ him," spluttered James.

When they finally stopped laughing the video began playing again.

**Lucius: So it is decided. We shall use this Time Turner to go back to Harry Potters first year at Hogwarts. We'll destroy him before he ever gets to destroy us. My friends, I think we're going back! Who's with me?**

"No one. Nobody likes you Lucy," said Sirius flamboyantly.

**Death Eaters: I!**

**Lucius+Death Eaters: Our history is nothing more than what the losers settle for. **

**Lucius: So look alive and don't forget that it's not over yet!**

**(Using time turner)**

"Huh," said Sirius. "So _that's_ how you use a time turner.

"Lily, play the next clip if you will?" Remus urged.

"Of course," she replied. Then she reached forward and clicked the next clip.


	3. Act 1 Part 2

**Here is the next chapter! I hope you guys like it. Again this chapter is owned by MarauderWorshipper and everything in bold(except this AN) is owned by Starkid.**

The five people watched the screen intently.

***Harry Enters***

**Harry: Excuse me sir! Can you tell me how to get to platform 9 3/4?**

"Why aren't we taking him?" James asked Lily.

"I honestly have no idea. I can't see us just dropping him off there."

**Guard: Platform 9 3/4? There ain't no such thing. You are the 700th kid to ask me that and I still refuse to believe that it exists.**

Sirius suddenly sat up. "Damn! It's our last year! We should've asked the guards about Platform 9 3/4 and Hogwarts just to see what they said!"

"That would've been hilarious!" James yelled.

"Oh the looks on their faces would've been hilarious if we told them that we were supposed to run through a brick wall!" Remus laughed.

**Harry: Sir, you gotta help me I just ran away from my mean aunt and uncle. They kept me under some stairs.**

James suddenly had a strange look on his face. "What does he mean," he said tentatively, "kept under some stairs?"

"And why wouldn't he be living with you and Lily," Remus began, "unless...oh god no," he breathed.

"Well who is he staying with then? If something did-happen- to them why isn't he staying with me?" Sirius questioned the room, but no one had an answer. His voice was shaky with unspoken fears about his best friends life.

"James doesn't have any siblings,"Remus supplied. "So it's got to be Lily's relatives.

Severus finally spoke, "Its probably her scum of a sister Petunia."

"Snape!" Lily said scathingly "Don't talk about my sister that way!"

"Why?" Severus asked slowly. "You know she hates you. She's just a-"

"And don't you dare finish that sentence. I don't want to hear anything you have to say."

The marauders looked at her in awe and the video resumed.

**You gotta believe me. I got this letter from Hogwarts school of Witchc- Sir wait! A bird gave it to me!**

"That's gotta seem crazy to the guards," Remus said with the tiniest bit of humor. No one had the heart to laugh anymore.

**Yeah right. Hogwarts. **

"No little Prongslet!" Said Sirius, regaining his humor bit by bit. "Don't give up on Hogwarts!"

**Mrs Weasley: Ohhh hurry kids we're gonna miss the train! Come on Weasleys! Bill! **

**Bill: Yo yo ma!**

**Mrs Weasley: Charlie!**

**Charlie: Hi mummy!**

**Mrs Weasley: Percy. **

**Percy: Hello mother. **

"He looks like a smart git," said James, "no offense Moony."

"None taken!" Remus replied quickly.

**Mrs Weasley: Fred and George!**

**Fred: But I'm George!**

**Mrs Weasley: Nice try, you've got an F on your shirt dumbass. **

The room burst into laughter. Everyone but Severus was openly laughing, but he had a hint of a smile on his face.

**Mr Weasley: Oh boy real muggles! Everybody say chocolate frogs! *Slaps camera shut* I think I got it. Oh this is silly!**

**Mrs Weasley: Oh Arthur, **

"Arthur? As in Arthur Weasley?" asked Sirius.

"I guess," answered James. "How do you know him?"

"I heard my mum talking about the Weasleys. They're one of the biggest blood traitor families around."

**quit diddling with that muggle picture maker. Fred, George, Percy, Charlie, Bill. Where's Ron with your sister?**

***Enter Ron dragging Ginny***

**Ron: Did somebody say Ron?**

**Mrs Weasley: Ronnie hurry, you're going to miss your train!**

**Ron: Well I'm trying to go faster but I got this idiot little sister. **

"How old is she supposed to be? Four?" chuckled Remus.

**Mrs Weasley: Oh Ronnie,be nice to your idiot sister!**

"Nah, Remmy I think she's just stupid," Sirius joked.

**Ron: No!**

**Mrs Wealsey: Ohhh you're gonna get it! *Slaps Bill who slaps Charlie who slaps Percy who slaps Fred who slaps George who slaps Ron who slaps Ginny***

"That's a good way to discipline more than one person at one." Lily said this evilly while looking at the three pranksters who cowered away. No one noticed Severus smirking at the control his Lily had over them.

**Mr Weasley: Alright gang alright, it's picture time! It's Ronnie's first day at Hogwarts so here we go!**

**Mrs Weasley: Oh they're so cute!**

**Mr Weasley: Now smile..and *hits camera* I got it! That'll be a good one! **

**Harry: Excuse me sir?**

**Mr Weasley: Yes my dear boy?**

**Harry: I couldn't help but overhear you saying something about Hogwarts. Could you tell me how to get to platform 9 3/4?**

**Mr Weasley: Platform 9 3/4? Why it's right through that brick wall!**

James chortled. "He makes it seems so strange!"

"It probably seems insane to the muggle-borns!" Sirius chuckled.

It is. I thought the man taking us onto the platform was mad or something," said Lily playfully.

**Harry: W-what?**

**Mrs Weasley: I think he doesn't know. Must've been raised by muggles.**

**Harry: What's a muggle?**

**Mr Weasley: What's a muggle! Why it's a wizard who doesn't- I mean it's a wizard who can't- he doesn't know what a moogle is. **

Lily sighed. "A muggle is a non-magical person." Remus smiled at her while Sirius and James just stared. Severus tried to look indifferent to everything she said.

"Lily, we all know what a muggle is," Remus stated politely.

**Mrs Weasley: A muggle is a non magical person. I'll tell you what, you stick with Ronnie over there. It's his first year at Hogwarts too. Alright Weasleys in you go!**

**Mr Weasley: Follow me, in we go!**

**Mrs Weasley: Ginny dear, Ginny dear, Ginny you come with me. Leave the boys alone, Ginny. Ginny leave the boys alone. You'll go to Hogwarts next year. **

**Ginny: *baby crying***

"Sirius, I think she is a baby!" Remus exclaimed.

James joined in. "Yeah Padfoot, no one can be that stupid!"

**Ron: Yes, at last. FREEDOM! God I hate my stupid little sister! She is just such a-such a-**

**Harry: Butterface?**

**Ron: Hehehehe. You know what, kid? You're all right! I'm Ron Weasley. Hey, do you want a delicious...Red Vine?**

James screeched, "I love Red Vines!"

Everyone stared at him. He quickly recollected himself. "Lily gave some to me. Do you have any more Lils?"

"I think so." She checked her bag and pulled out a plastic bag and passed one out to everyone, even Severus.

**Harry: Absolutely!**

"We're so alike!" James yelled, but he was ignored.

**Ron: Well hey, here you go, good buddy. **

**Harry: Red Vines are my favorite snack in the whole world. **

**Ron: Oh my god, me too.**

***Turn to each other with Red Vine in mouth and begin to mirror each other***

"Twins!" yelled Sirius ecstatically.

**Ron: All right. Favorite Aimee Mann's song on three. One, two, three:**

**Ron+Harry: Red Vines **

Lily laughed he'd because she was the only muggle-born in the room.

**Harry: Color of vines other than green:**

**Ron+Harry: Red Vines**

The rest of the room laughed and Severus smiled slightly.

**Ron: Favorite way to say red wines in a German accent:**

**Ron+Harry: Red Vines. OH MY GOD *hug***

"BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!" screamed Sirius, James, and surprisingly Remus.

Lily rolled her eyes. "I thought you were the mature one Remus!"

Remus grinned at her cockily. "Hey, I'm still a marauder even though I am the only smart one."

James and Sirius took no notice of what he said.

"None of them are intelligent on any subject," Severus growled.

The others did their best to ignore him. Sirius seemed to be restraining himself with difficulty. Remus had his wand out, ready to stop Sirius if he jumped. Severus looked on smugly.

**Ron: Where have you been all my life?**

**Harry: In a cupboard under some stairs. **

Sirius, James, Remus, and Lily looked furious. Severus looked slightly disconcerted at the thought of any child being kept in a cupboard.

**Ron: That's so cool. Well...come on...friend. Lets go to Hogwarts. Just gotta go through that brick wall. **

**Harry: That sounds kinda scary. **

**Ron: Hey, it's okay. We can do it together. Wanna hold hands?**

**Harry: I'd love that. **

"Thank you Ron" Lily smiled sweetly at the screen whilst the others looked at her like she had gone batty.

**Ron: On the count of three. **

**Both: One, two, three!**

**Ron: That's a big brick wall.**

**Percy: All aboard gang. Hogwarts Express!**

**Ron: Right. Let's go get a seat pal. **

**Harry: You got it. **

**Ron: Hey pal. That's a pretty cool headband you got there. **

"Moony! Can you buy me one for Christmas?" Sirius begged. "Please?"

Remus began to reply but Severus cut him off. "Stop your whining Black." He said this with his voice full of spite. Sirius did not hex him only because James had grabbed his wand from him and Remus was blocking them.

**Harry: Oh thanks, I got it to cover this gross scar I got when I was a baby. I was in the car with my parents when we crashed-into a crocodile. My parents got eaten but then the crocodile took out a knife and gave me this scar. At least that's what my liar aunt and uncle told me, so...**

"Um Harry, I really doubt that's how we died." James spoke this seriously but he was hiding his laughter. Sirius didn't even bother. They had both seemed to have gotten over the fact that James and Lily were dead. Lily still looked in shock.

**Ron: That sucks. Can I see it?**

Severus rolled his eyes. "Subtle, Weasley."

**Harry: Oh, yeah. Sure. Here it is. **

**Ron: Oh my god. You're Ha- you're Ha-ha...**

"It's Harry! Not Ha!" Sirius exclaimed.

**Seamus: Bloody Hell! It's Harry Potte'!**

**Everyone: Yay!**

James looked ecstatic. "My son is a famous celebrity!"

"And probably just as arrogant and big-headed as you," Severus muttered under his breath darkly.

**Seamus: Seamus Finnigans the name Mr Potte'. Save me a place in line, this is a right treat. A right treat this is. **

**Dean- Yo yo yo yo my name is Dean Thomas. You want some bubbleguuuuuum?**

**Neville: Will you sign my Harry Potter poster Mr Potter?**

**Harry: Yeah sure. *Neville has picture of stock baby with lighting scar drawn on***

**Harry: Okay who should I make it out to?**

**Neville: Neville Longbottom, sir. **

"Longbottom?" asked Remus, addressing no one in particular. "As in Frank Longbottom?"

"I guess," Lily said slowly.

**Harry: Okay, Schlongbottom!**

**Cho: Ni Hao, Harry Potter. My name is Cho Chang, y'all. You should visit the Ravenclaw house sometime. **

"Oooh our kid has his first love interest!" James nudged Lily with his elbow. Lily simply sighed and rolled her eyes.

**Harry: Ron! What is going on? Everyone is treating me like I'm famous or something. **

**Ron: But Harry! You are!**

**Ron: You don't understand, you're a legend, man, to us all. Every son and daughter-**

**Everyone but H: SAFE!**

**Ron: From You-Know-Who, all because of you! You were small, but I wonder if you can recall? **

"Don't make him remember our deaths or that!" Lily screeched with the tone of a worried mother.

**Long story short, this guy *whispered* Voldemort, **

"It's just a name!" James said, sounding exasperated. All but Severus nodded their head vehemently.

**was super cruel. **

Sirius began shouting. "HE THINKS VOLDEMORT IS COOL!? WHAT KIND OF PERSON IS HE?"

"Sirius please calm down," Remus pleaded. "He said cruel not cool!"

"Oh," was all that Sirius said as he sat down sheepishly. Severus rolled his eyes at Black's stupidity.

**Harry: Voldemort?**

**Kids: Shhh!**

"Just a name," James unnecessarily reminded the characters on screen.

**Ron: Tried to kill you and your parents, and this is where it gets intensely cool. **

"It's not cool!" Sirius shrieked, "Two of my closest friends are dead!"

He and James both had tears in their eyes and Lily already had tears rolling down her cheeks. Remus looked lost. What was he supposed to do without his closest friends? Severus showed no emotion, but he was broken inside at the thought of his Lily dying.

**Even though you were a tiny boy, you should have died but you survived and then you destroyed this evil guy and its a story we enjoy to tell. **

Sirius cried, "We'll it's not a good story at all!"

**Kids: You're Harry Freakin' Potter! We don't prefer Gandalf, Merlin, or Oz. **

"Who?" they all said looking to Lily.

She sighed then complied. "Gandalf is a wizard from some muggle books. Oz was a muggle wizard from a kids story. And you all know who Merlin is.

**You're a whole lot hotter with that lightning scar, **

James smirked. "Well, he'd be hot anyway with who he has for a father!"

Lily groaned whilst Remus just shook his head. Sirius said to James smugly, "Nah, you're too ugly. It's probably all Lily's genes."

James looked aghast and Lily looked perfectly content.

**you're a superstar to us all! If we're in trouble we know who to call!**

"Isn't he only eleven though?" Severus asked.

"Yeah," James replied. "But I guess this is combining his older school years with his first year and they probably expected more when he was older."

Severus nodded and the others looked shocked. Snape and James were being civil to each other? It was unheard of!

**Ron: Best part is you're rich!**

**Rita: Did somebody say Harry Potter? Rita Skeeter here for the Daily Prophet reporting to you live for readers from Platform 9 3/4 where I just happened upon the original wizkid himself. Harry Potter, the lad who lived. Now lets you and me get on the level. Where have you been for ten years? Are you excited to go to Hogwarts or are you frightened for your life?**

"Why would he be frightened for his life?" questioned James.

**Harry: Why would I be frightened for my life?**

James blinked in surprise.

**Rita: Well ain't you cocksure? Know this, dear readers. HP, 11 year old tyke shows no fear, even in the face of a murderous dog like Sirius Black. **

James was gaping, Remus looked shocked, Lily afraid, and Severus was surprised. Sirius himself was stuttering, trying to say something.

"I-I wouldn't- I would never!"

"Remember?" Remus whispered with a hoarse voice. "The note said some of this wasn't true. Maybe this is one of those things." The werewolf didn't sound like he believed his own words.

**Harry: Who's Sirius Black?**

**Rita: Who's Sirius Black! You don't know? He used to be your dad's best friend until he betrayed him to the dark lord and got him killed. Yep. Turns out he was a death eater. He killed thirteen ducks before they caught him. And I mean people. He hates your guts, wants you dead! He just escaped from Azkaban. **

After a short moment of science James spoke quietly. "Sirius, I know you would never, ever do something like that. You must've been framed or something!"

Sirius had tears in his eyes. "I could never do something to hurt you or Lily. I couldn't kill one person, much less thirteen!

The others didn't know what to think. James and Sirius had been best friends from the start. What could've happened that made Sirius become a death eater?

**But it's no skin of your back, kid. You know why?**

**Rita: You're Harry Freakin' Potter! I wouldn't wince at all, you're invincible to all harm! Like Betty Crocker**

"Who?" James asked weakly. He was still in shock over what happened with Sirius.

"Muggle chef," Lily replied shakily.

**-I wanna eat you up! No one'll beat you up with that charm! Remember, Harry, kid, you're the boss, you're the king, you're the bomb! Keep your nose clean!**

**Percy: Oh boy! (Various goodbyes)**

**Mr Weasley: I love you so much!**

**Ron+Weasleys: I love you! I love you!**

**Harry: This is all too much to take. I mean- this is all so surreal-so unreal. **

**Ron: No it's not! You're Harry Potter. You're the coolest goddamn kid in the entire world. Everything is awesome for you so you better get used to it. **

**Harry: But this is all so sad, I mean my mom and dad, were killed long ago. **

They all bowed their heads sadly at the reminder.

**Kids: Long ago they died!**

"That's disrespectful," muttered Sirius.

**Harry: I wanna be psyched, but being unliked is all I know. **

"My poor baby," said Lily quietly. James nodded his head.

**Kids: All he knows, that's why**

**Harry: I'd never thought I'd be part of such a fate, an opportunity eleven years late. I guess it's time for me to step up to the plate and show 'em that I'm something great! I'm Harry freakin' Potter! I'll do what I can, if what you say I am is true! I can't be bothered by my awful past, I've found at last something I can do, so it's time I knew exactly who I am! I'm Harry freakin' Potter!**

**Kids: You're Harry freakin' Potter!**

**Harry: I guess!**

**Everyone: I'm/You're Harry freakin' Potter-**

**Harry: And I'm the man!**

**Everyone: Harry Freakin' Potter!**

"Well," said Remus, "that was interesting."

"Yeah," Sirius said hoarsely.

"I guess I should play the next clip now," said Lily quietly.


	4. Act 1 Part 3

**This chapter is owned by MarauderWorshipper. Anything in bold is owned by Starkid!**

***Remus is laying on bench, asleep.***

***Ron opens vault, scans eye, and drags open door of train compartment***

"What is he doing?" asked James.

"I think he's opening a muggle high security vault or something," replied Lily.

**Ron: What's up my buddy?**

**Harry: Hey Ron. **

**Ron: Who's this guy?**

**Harry: I don't know, he was here when I got here. He's asleep. I think he's homeless. **

Sirius laughed,"Why is some homeless guy on the train? Are adults even allowed to ride the train?"

**Ron: Gross. We kinda got deprecated at the train station and you forgot this. *shows headband***

**Harry: You know, everybody in this new world loves my scar, why don't you keep it?**

**Ron: Really? Wow. **

"My son is so polite!" cooed Lily.

"At least he got your manners and not James's," said Remus. Severus silently agreed. He didn't think he could stand another James in the world.

**Harry: Looks good, man. **

**Ron: Thanks. Dammit now I want to give you something. **

**Harry: Um, it's okay. **

**Ron: Ooh! Do you want a rat?**

**Harry: Aaah!**

**Ron: Aaah! Oh, it's my rat. **

**Harry: Oh it's your rat. **

Everyone burst out laughing at this. "They're so dense!" said Severus. Then he realized that he was speaking normally to those terrible four. No one else seemed to notice though.

***Both start petting rat***

**Ron: His name is Scabbers and he's been in my family for like, a hundred years. **

Sirius looked in awe. "Moony! I want a rat that lives that long! Please Moony please! That would be so cool!

Severus rolled his eyes, but Remus just said, "Sorry Sirius, but I think he was exaggerating."

Sirius looked heartbroken, so James quickly transfigured a quill that he had in his pocket to a rat and gave it to Sirius. He took it and began petting it immediately.

**In fact, I think my parents found him on the same night your parents died. **

"That's really strange. I wonder what it means," Lily thought aloud. Everyone else in the room shrugged.

**Harry: Weird. **

**Ron: I know, weird. Hey, do you want a Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Candy Bean?**

**Harry: Sure. **

**Ron: They have every flavor in the entire world. They even have a poopie flavored one, but it's so rare, you'll never be lucky enough to get it. **

"Ugh," Remus made a disgusted face. "I've gotten a earwax flavored one before. It was disgusting!"

Sirius and James nodded their sympathy, while Lily looked on, amused.

What'd you get?

**Harry: Broken computer. **

**Ron: That's gross. I can't even remember the last time I got a candy flavored one. **

**Harry: What'd you get?**

**Ron: Defeat. **

"Hah! I've never tasted that!" shouted James triumphantly. "What's it taste like Snape?"

Severus growled at him and then turned to the screen and tried not to pay attention to anyone in the room.

**Well I give up on these. Hey! Why don't we wash these beans down with some of the greatest snacks in the entire world?**

**Ron and Harry: Red Vines!**

**Ron: Oh I got them right here in my bag, uhhh. *pulls out Crookshanks and Ron and Harry begin screaming***

"What is that supposed to be?" asked Severus.

"I think it's a tiger-cat...thing," answered Lily thoughtfully.

**Hermione: Crookshanks! *pets* Oh bad kitty! I'm sorry! Sometimes he just crawls into the darnedest places. **

**Ron: It's okay, just next time- oh my god night troll!**

"I love this guy!" laughed Sirius. "I want to meet him so bad!"

**Hermione: I'm not a night troll! I'm a little girl! My name's Hermione Granger.**

"She annoys me already," said James.

**Jiminy cricket, you're Harry Potter!**

**Harry: Oh yeah! Weird huh?**

**Hermione: Oh, I'm such a big fan! Uh hey, would you sign my petition?**

**Harry: Um sure. **

**Ron: No, he doesn't want to. *knocks clipboard out of her hands***

"You tell her Ron!" roared Sirius. Remus, James, and Lily laughed, while Severus just continued to try and ignore them.

**Hermione: I'm collection signatures for house-elf suffrage. See, I just think its awful, that some creatures in the wizarding world aren't treated equally, just because they were born as ugly, sickly, little creatures with big dumb noses. And I think that we- **

"We?" choked Lily. Even she couldn't help laughing at this. "Did she just count herself with the house elves?"

"I think she did," chuckled Remus.

**I mean the elves- are just as good as anybody. Not to mention the world just isn't made for those little guys. Did you know that over 600 house elves die in toilet related incidents every year? **

**Harry: Can you stop talking? I'll sign it, just don't send me any emails. **

"What's an email?" James and Sirius asked simultaneously. Remus and Severus looked bewildered and Remus hated not knowing something.

Lily answered, being the only muggle-born in the room. "It's like normal owl mail except it is sent through two computers and it's instant."

"Oh okay," said James and Sirius. Remus and Severus no longer looked confused.

**Hermione: Oh, I won't! Thanks Harry. **

**Harry: Hey, are we the first people you've asked? There's only one other name on here. **

**Hermione: That is my name. **

**Harry: Oh! Well then, there you go, Her-my-one.**

**Hermione: Wow. So Harry Potter, did you really grow up in the muggle world?**

"He should have grown up with Lily and James," said Remus quietly. Everyone in the room looked morose at once.

**Harry: Yeah, I found out I was a wizard like two minutes ago. **

**Hermione: Yeah, I grew up in the muggle world too. My parents are muggles. Muggle dentists. **

"What's a dentist Lily-Flower?" inquired James.

Lily answered quickly, "They clean teeth and drill holes in them." Everyone looked afraid at the crazy muggle methods.

**Trolley Lady: Candy from the trolley?**

**Hermione: I am ever so excited to go to Hogwarts. **

**Ron: That's because Hogwarts is the best place in the entire world!**

**Hermione: Yeah, and to be taught by so many great witches and wizards like Albus Dumbledore. **

**Harry: Who's Albus Dumbledore? **

"He doesn't know who Dumbledore is?" said a very shocked Sirius.

"Black," said Severus exasperated at his stupidity, "he was raised in the muggle world!"

**Ron: He's only like the bestest, most bravest-**

**Hermione: -most wisest, most talented-**

**Ron: -most beautiful-**

"Is Ron gay or something?" Remus asked.

"I dunno," said James with a straight face, "Dumbledore is pretty hot." Everyone in the room shot him disgusted looks, before he burst out laughing. "Your faces!" he choked out. Then, the others began laughing as well.

**Hermione: -most beautiful wizard that ever lived. **

**Trolley Lady: Candy from the trolley?**

**Hermione: And my dream of dreams is to someday graduate top of my class. **

"Who wants to be smart?" groaned Sirius. Both Remus and Lily shot glares at him and he cowered at once.

"I do!" said Lily and Remus at once.

"You guys don't count!" shouted James. "You're both crazy!"

Severus rolled his eyes. "Even if you refuse to be intelligent, some people like actually knowing things."

**Trolley Lady: Candy from the trolleee- *death eater wearing mask and apron replaces her***

"Is that a Death Eater?" gasped Remus.

At the same time James and Sirius said, "Is that a man wearing a apron?"

Lily answered both their questions at once, with a simple yes.

**Death Eater: Candy from the trolley?**

Everyone started laughing at this. "How do they not notice thats a Death Eater?" Lily laughed, even though she was worried about her son's safety. "He talks like a man and he's wearing a Death Eater mask!"

Severus thought, 'It's probably the Potter genes. I feel sorry for any kid that has to be related to that imbecile. But being related to Lily...'

**Ron: Yes! At last. **

**Hermione: My parents say that candy is bad for your teeth. **

**Death Eater: Avada Ke-**

"Don't you dare kill my son!" yelled James furiously, jumping up.

"James," soothed Remus, "it's just a play." He pushed James back onto the couch, but James still looked angry and afraid for his son.

**Remus: Expelliarmus!**

"Prongslet is saved!" shouted Sirius. James looked happy about his son's nickname.

"But- but-he's pointing a bottle at him!" fretted Lily. "How is he supposed to protect him!" Sirius shrugged.

***jumps on DE* Rahh! **

"That's how!" said Sirius happily.

**Take that you bastard ass! Oh goddamit (broken wand). Well at least I still have- *tries to drink from empty bottle* Oh no, what? (Wet pants) Oh. Holy shit. **

"Who the hell is he?" asked James. "And why is he near my son?"

**Well, that's piss. Wait! Was I drinking piss?**

"That's disgusting!" shouted a thoroughly revolted looking Lily. "Don't get near my kid!"

**Well you must be Harry Potter! *shakes hand***

"That's repulsive," said Severus looking sick.

**Harry: No no no no no what- you just killed the candy lady!**

***Herm., Ron, and Ha. scream***

**Remus: Stop! Stop! Stop it! *shoves empty bottle in Hermione's mouth* **

"This guy is really gross!" said Sirius.

"Disgusting!" said James.

"Nauseating!" said Remus. "I wouldn't want to be within ten feet of him!"

**Kids! Don't be afraid of me! I'm not dangerous. I'm not homeless, OK? My name is Remus Lupin. **

Everyone in the room roared into laughter. Even Severus was not bothering to hide it. "Remus! That's you!" shouted Sirius laughingly.

"Tha- wha- no!" stuttered Remus. "That's not me! I'm nothing like that!"

James laughed, "Why didn't you tell us you were a drinker! You're hilarious when you're drunk!"

"That's not me!" protested Remus weakly.

When the laughter finally died down and the last remaining bursts of laughter stopped, the video recommenced.

**I'm your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher,**

"You're a teacher! You've betrayed us!" bellowed Sirius.

"Actually you betrayed them," said Severus smoothly. Sirius paled. No one could believe that Sirius would ever betray James or Lily. He loved James like a brother! Lily had become like his sister over the school year. If looks could kill, Severus would have been killed twice over.

"So," said James, desperately trying to lighten up the mood, "you want to be a teacher Moony?

"Yes," Remus said, barely above a whisper, " but I didn't think anyone would hire me because of my- condition."

Sirius and James looked at him sympathetically, whilst Lily looked confused. Not knowing he was a werewolf, she said, "But they can't not hire you because your sick! That's prejudiced!"

"Wizards are prejudiced," muttered Sirius angrily. His family was the worst. If they knew he was friends with a werewolf, it would not be pretty.

**and that so called candy lady was a Death Eater that was about two seconds away from killing you, your little friend, and his pet night troll. **

"Remus!" chastised Lily. "That's rude!"

Remus let out a pitiful objection that it wasn't him, but it was so quiet no one heard him.

**Harry: What's a Death Eater? What is that?**

James sighed, "I wish we lived in a world where no one knew what Death Eaters were." The others looked down sadly at this.

**Remus: Its a servant of You-Know-Who. I was thinking a few of them might show up when they learned that Harry Potter was headed to Hogwarts. They can be real hard ass dickheads. **

"Remus! Stop cussing around them! They're kids!"

"It's not me! I promise!" said Remus protestingly.

**Kids: *Gasp and cover ears***

Remus: What the hell's the matter with you guys? Oh shit!

"Remus!"

***cover ears* You guys are kids! I gotta watch my damn mouth around you little bastards. *cover ears***

"Stop it Remus!"

**Shite! I am sorry. Shoot. I gotta watch my damn mouth around you little bastards. *Falls over***

**Ron: Hey, looks like the train's stopped. We're here!**

**Remus: Come here. Listen, this year I don't want you to be worried about Death Eaters or that Sirius Black or werewolves **

Remus put his head down but Lily didn't notice. The other Marauders and Severus did though. James and Sirius looked at him sadly, but Severus just glared at him. Remus still felt guilty of almost killing him after what Sirius had done.

**or anything else that could kill you right now. Because as long as you're at Hogwarts with me and headmaster Dumbledore there to protect you, you're perfectly safe. Trust me, Harry. No one at Hogwarts hates you. **

**Snape: What the devil is going on here?**

Severus's pale skin turned bright red at this. James and Sirius burst into laughter, while Remus and Lily chuckled.

"That's you Snape!" shouted James.

"He's identical!" howled Sirius.

"At least I'm not a murderer," muttered Severus, but no one heard him over their laughter.

Finally James gasped out dramatically, "Roll the next clip, Lily!"


	5. Act 1 Part 4

**This chapter is owned by MarauderWorshipper and anything in bold belongs to Starkid.**

Lily clicked the "next" button and the next part began to play.

**Snape: What are you doing here, get off the train! Why Remus Lupin.**

**Remus: Severus Snape.**

**Ron: (loud whisper) That's Snape, he's evil.**

"Go Ron!" cheered Sirius. "I like this kid! He's right! Severus glared at him but Sirius only laughed back at him.

**Snape: Get off the train! Not you boy, you sit. So you must be Harry Potter. I can tell just by not talking to you that you're a no good-for-nothing nobody like your father.**

"I'm not a nobody!" objected James angrily, starting to pull out his wand to hex Severus. Nobody called _him_ a nobody and got away with it, especially a nobody.

"And James is definitely not good for nothing!" cried Sirius, defending his best friend.

"Boys," said Lily slowly, "This is still just a play. We accepted that Remus is not a homeless drunkard in the future, and that Sirius is hopefully not a murderer, and we're going to accept that this is not Severus. Severus looked at her hopefully; perhaps she didn't actually hate him so much! She called him by his first name, she hadn't down that since their fifth year.

"But, he'd say something like that!" blustered Sirius. "We should still be able to hex him at least once or twice!" He said this longingly, because he had been in a room with _Snivellus_ for almost an hour and hadn't done anything to him yet!

"But he hasn't," stated Lily firmly, "So you're not going to hex him. Anyway the person who sent this to us said no violence." James and Sirius looked like they were about to argue, but stopped at the look on the young woman's face.

**Remus: You know what, just leave the poor kid alone okay. You haven't changed at all since our school days at Hogwarts. Hey Harry, don't pay any attention to Sour Grape Snape.**

All but Severus burst into laughter. After James caught his breath he said, "We're going to start calling you that, OK, Sour Grape Snape?" Severus looked as if it really wasn't OK, but stayed silent. He wouldn't be the one to start an argument. He had weighed his odds and here, it was four against one.

**Snape: How dare you speak that name!**

**Remus: I've said it before Snape and I'll say it again, you always have been and you always WILL be a butt trumpet. You know why? Because you've got a trumpeting butt!**

"Moony!" Sirius choked out through his laughter, "You're hilarious! I love you!" No one else but Severus laughed for several minutes before letting the video go.

**Snape: No I haven't.**

**Remus: Yes! –fart noises-**

**Snape: Stop it. Stop doing that!**

**Remus: Hey guys I'm Snape's butt! –fart noises-**

**Snape: That doesn't sound anything like my butt.**

**Remus: Hah! who looks stupid now? You do.**

"Uh Remus," said Lily tentatively, "you were just pretending to be Snape's butt."

"That's not me!" shouted Remus weakly. This musical did not make him look very good. Maybe it was a bad idea to watch it.

**Snape: No I don't. We're both adults now. I demand that you stop acting like a child or I'll get Dumbledore and have you expelled.**

"Now Snape is acting like a child!" groaned Lily.

**Remus: I don't think so Snape because I'm a teacher now, you can't expel me. I mean, I'll expel you. In fact, you're expelled. I just expelled you.**

**Snape: What, that's absurd! You can't expel me. We can't expel each other, can we?**

**Remus: I won't pretend to know.**

**Snape: Well, then I will. Snape vanish!**

James jumped up shouted, "James vanish!" and left the room flourishing his robes behind him. As Lily and Remus looked at each other and shook their heads Sirius was on the floor laughing so hard he was gasping for air.

Lily paused the video and waited for James to return. Sirius and Remus got up and went to a corner looking at a piece of paper and muttering. Then Sirius burst out laughing. "Of course he did!"

"What?" inquired Lily.

"James went to the kitchens," said Remus shaking his head but he was smiling.

Suddenly Sirius looked anguished. Before Lily had time to ask how they knew where James was, Sirius began fretting. "What if he only gets enough food for himself? What if I have to sit here and watch him eat while my poor tummy rumbles?"

"He'll bring you something back, don't worry," Remus assured Sirius. Sirius nodded. James abruptly burst into the room at that moment, a house-elf alongside him, both laden down with food.

A couple of small end tables appeared next to the seats and the house-elf set the five plates down on them. Finally after many reassurances that the food was fine and they didn't need any more the house-elf left. Sirius set the video to play again.

**Harry: Wow, what a jerk!**

"That's right mini-me!" cheered James.

"Go Prongslet!" added Sirius.

**Remus: Yeah, now listen Harry don't let him bother you, okay? You're finally where you belong, at Hogwarts, the place where your parents spent the best years of their lives. So go on Harry, go find what you were always meant to be, the home you never knew you had.**

"These seven years really have been some of the best in my life," said Lily solemnly. She didn't say, but this allowed her to get away from her sister calling her a freak.

"Yeah!" agreed James, but in a much brighter tone. "Think of all the awesome pranks you can do here."

"And the kitchens." added Sirius blissfully.

"And the library!" finished Remus dreamily. Lily smiled at him, while James and Sirius looked betrayed.

"Of all the things you could have liked the most, you picked the library!" said Sirius disbelievingly.

**Harry: I'll see you Lupin.**

**Remus: See you in class Harry.**

**Harry: (singing) Home, I've heard the word before but it's never meant much more than just a thing I've never had.**

"Oh Harry," sighed Lily. Everyone looked somber thinking about how two of the people in the room were going to be dead in a few years.

"He should have grown up with you guys," said Sirius quietly.

"He would have had a great home there," said Remus his voice cracking. Severus attempted to keep a blank face. Why did he have to be reminded how _his _Lily was dead! His heart ached inside his chest.

**A place, they say –hey, know your place-, but I've never had a place to even know, or a face that I could go to if I needed someone there.**

"Why couldn't Remus take him?" asked Lily in a low voice.

"Er-well-you see," stuttered Remus.

"Moony is terrible with kids," cut in James.

"Yes!" said Sirius catching on. "He has a terrible patience when it comes to kids. He'd probably end up being almost as bad as the Dursleys." Sirius hated bashing his friend like this, but Lily couldn't find out he was a werewolf, at least not yet.

Remus put his head down. Even if he could've taken Harry in, he probably would have been a bad parent, or worse killed or bit him. No, he couldn't make any person live near him. He didn't want anyone to have the live the life he was forced to. Severus was glaring at him. He hated him and his lycanthropy and he had every right to! He had nearly killed him last year!

Lily did not look satisfied with this answer in the least bit, but she allowed the video to continue.

**I'm laughing. It's hard to hide a smile. My god, it's been a while since I have had a reason to. To think, it's been here all along, somewhere to belong and a reason, a something to believe in. I've finally found it, a place where I'm wanted. This must be how it feels to have a home.**

"At least he's happy at Hogwarts," said Remus. Lily smiled at him weakly.

**I used to dream about it, but never schemed or counted on fantasies or wishes. It breaks a man to see what he misses and so many nights I'd pray for a better life, a better day but I never thought that it'd come true. Now it's finally here and I don't know what to do!**

**Don't know what to do and I'm trying not to cry.**

**Ron: Hey Harry, let's go get Sorted.**

James snorted. "Yeah, first years just decide to go ahead and get sorted."

**Harry: This must be how it feels to have a home!**

**I've finally made it. I've hoped and I've waited and for the first time in my life, I don't feel so alone. My heart starts to heal, to know this is real. This is how it must feel to have a home!**

***Sorting Hat is put on head***

"This is nerve wracking," said James.

"Yeah," agreed Sirius. "But he'll be put in Gryffindor, don't worry. No Potter has ever been put in any other house! Especially your son!

"I would be happy with him in any house," said Lily, "because he's still be my son and I'd be proud of him." James only nodded slowly; he really didn't want his son in Hufflepuff, or, god forbids, Slytherin! Ravenclaw might be alright though.

**Sorting Hat: Gryffindor! Gryffindor! Gryffindor!**

"Yes!" cheered James, Sirius, and Remus.

"The house of the brave!" shouted James.

Lily looked proud of her future son. Then she played the next clip.


	6. Act 1 Part 5

**This chapter belongs to MarauderWorshipper and anything in bold belongs to Starkid.**

Lily began the next clip at once.

**(Snape strangles Harry with his tie)**

"Don't you dare kill my son!" shouted James fiercely. He was about to jump off of the couch he was sharing with Sirius, but he was quickly pulled back by his friend and he plopped back onto the couch indignantly.

"As much as I'd like to hurt Snape," said Sirius scathingly, "there's a rule about no violence. He looked at Severus with a look of complete and absolute loathing. Severus sent a glare that could have made a grown man cry, but Sirius just stared back. Finally, he turned back to the computer.

**Snape- Wait Potter! Your sorting isn't done yet. The Scarf of Sexual Preference!**

The tensions from earlier immediately dissolved. All of a sudden, everyone was laughing together and no one was glaring at anyone else hatefully. Sirius and James immediately said together, "Hogwarts needs to get one of those!"

Remus and Lily were looking at them amusedly, but they didn't notice. Severus remained impassive. Suddenly, James and Sirius turned to each other with wild gleams in their eyes; anyone who had known them for more than two hours knew what this meant: an idea. A pad of paper, two quills, and inkwell appeared in front of them. They began immediately writing something that looked suspiciously like _Scarf plans._

**Scarf- Metrosexual!**

"Damn right he'll look pretty!" This comment came most unexpectedly, from Remus. Lily looked surprised, but Sirius and James were still scratching their quills and did not look up, or make any move to show they were affected. Remus shrugged and simply stated, "I may be smart, but I am a marauder for a reason."

**Harry- So does this school provide shoes to go with fabulous this tie or what?**

**Snape- (Holding out a pair of shoes) It sure does.**

**Harry- (Takes the shoes) Hmm. I'll make it work.**

**(Goes over to Ron and Hermione) Hey, so what did you guys get sorted into?**

**Ron- Bi-curious.**

"Wait," said Sirius curiously, "Is Ron gay or not? Because he said that Dumbledore was beautiful earlier…." He drifted off.

"Well," said James in the tone of an explaining teacher, "Dumbledore is beautiful, and _everybody_ knows that, so he's just stating the facts. Sirius looked understanding, but Lily and Remus just shook their heads sadly at how stupid James could be. Severus was unbothered by this because to him, James was an incompetent imbecile and this proved no different.

**Hermione- Waiting till marriage.**

**Harry- No, I mean what house did you get sorted into.**

**Ron- Oh, Gryffindor! (Points to tie)**

**Hermione- Gryffindor!**

"HOUSE OF THE BRAVE!" roared Sirius. Remus flinched at the loud noise, and Sirius looked apologetic at once. He had completely forgotten about Remus's heightened senses when he was this near the full moon. It was the 20th of December already and the full moon was on the 25th, Christmas Day.

**Harry- Cool, me too!**

**(Seamus, Dean and Neville come out from behind the curtain)**

**Seamus- Bloody ass! Dean get a load of this, we're in the same house as Harry Potter!**

"Bloody ass?" said Severus raising his eyebrow. "Sounds painful." The other boys couldn't help it; they erupted into laughter. Lily tried to look disapproving, but she too was hiding a laugh. Several minutes later, the laughter stopped. Sirius sighed as his laughter ended and the video began playing once again.

**(Seamus lays in front of Harry)**

**Seamus- Why don't you put your feet right up here Mr. Potter, right up here.**

"Why can't people do that for me?" groaned Sirius. Severus looked like he was fighting not to say something scornful, and he managed to hold back. No one but Lily noticed this, and she smiled lightly at him. Severus began wondering if she had forgiven him for what he said those two years ago. He hoped she had; he wanted his best friend and love of his life back.

**(Harry puts feet on Seamus's back)**

**Neville- Can I shine your shoes for you, Mr. Potter?**

**Harry- Go for it man!**

**(Neville spits on Harry's shoe and rubs it)**

**Dean- Yo man, I've got this mean backrub. (Starts to rub Harry's back)**

James and Sirius looked longingly at the screen, then started muttering about how they should be treated like kings.

**Ron- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Services not necessary get out of here! (Pushes Neville back) (Looks around before spitting on Harry, rubbing his back and caressing his head)**

**Harry- Gryffindor totally rocks! I can't even imagine what other stupid assholes exist in other stupid houses.**

"Jerks," said James wisely.

**Hat- SLYTHERIN!**

**(Draco walks in)**

Sirius choked. "Is that guy-a-a- girl?"

"Yes!" shouted James. They both burst into laughter as they looked at the boy/girl character. "I think it's a Malfoy, look at her-er- his hair."

Remus was laughing very hard as well. "Malfoy's are so prideful! Think what they'd do If they saw this!"

**Draco- Well, well, well. Isn't this cute! The rumors are true. You must be Harry Potter, the famous bastard.**

"My son is not a bastard," said James menacingly.

**My name is Draco Malfoy. I am a racist, (Dean stands up, but Seamus pulls him down) I despise gingers,**

Lily looked offended, but didn't say anything, for fear how James would react to anything even slightly offending her.

**and mudbloods,**

Severus downcast his eyes, he hated that word after what _it _had done. Sirius and Remus were furious, but James was livid. "Lily," he said fiercely, seeing sadness in her eyes, "Don't listen to this. You most definitely don't have 'dirty blood' and I will personally kill anyone who thinks differently." At the moment James looked like he was going to attack the computer. Lily nodded and tried to smile at him, but it came out more of a grimace.

**I hate Gryffindor house, and my parents work for the man who killed your parents. **

Sirius growled at the screen. How dare someone say something like that! James got up and pulled Lily next to him on the couch and Sirius got up and sat in Lil's chair. James put his arm around Lily and pulled her close and whispered to her, "We'll change this, we got this video for a reason."

**Do you want to be my friend? (Holds out hand)**

"How dare he!" screeched Remus. "Does he really have the nerve to say that?"

"Apparently," said Sirius, looking down at his shoes. He still felt terrible. According to this, he had killed two of his closest friends! What had made him change like this?

**Harry- Hate Gryffindor house! Get out of my face, Malfoy! (Pushes Malfoy over)**

"That's all he cares about?" asked Severus incredulously. Of course he was a Potter, they didn't think about much.

**Gryffindors- Gasp!**

**Hermione- Harry, no!**

**Draco- (Stands and twirls) You are not permitted to touch! Crabbe! Goyle!**

"Yep," said Sirius, "definitely a Malfoy with all the twirling!"

**Goyle- WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER! Get over here! (Pulls Ron towards him)**

**Crabbe- (Pulls Hermione) You too!**

**Goyle- It's clobbering time!**

**Draco- As you wish! Shake them!**

**(Crabbe and Goyle start shaking Ron and Hermione)**

Everyone looked absolutely bewildered. "What. The. Fu-" began Sirius.

"Sirius!" scolded Lily. Sirius put his head down and looked properly abashed. Lily smiled and turned away, proud of herself, but she didn't notice Sirius grin at James.

**How does it feel to watch your friends being tortured? (Slides under bench on floor)**

**Harry- No! Stop, leave Ron! Leave Ron alone you bastards!**

"What about Hermione!" shouted Lily. "Are you just going to leave her? What's wrong with you?" She looked shocked that her son did something like this.

"Lily," calmed James, "It's just a play, remember? They said it was a parody and some of it wasn't real." Lily looked calmer then James finished what he was saying. "And besides, Hermione's really annoying!" Lily slapped his arm and turned away, though James still had his arm around her. Honestly, James could be so thoughtless sometimes!`

**Ron- Just be his friend Harry!**

**Hermione- We'll miss you Harry!**

**Draco- Feel like being my friend yet Potter? (Lays on stomach, waving legs in the air)**

"Who would want to be friends with someone who tortures their real friends?" asked Remus disbelievingly.

"Well," stated Sirius factually, "Malfoys aren't known for their brains, just their 'pure blood' and money."

**Harry- No! No way. Yeah, you can torture my friends all you want. But I will never. EVER. Be your friend.**

**Draco- (Slides forward, looking up at Harry) You've made, a grandiose mistake, Potter. Nobody undermines Draco Malfoy!**

"Harry does!" said James and Sirius gleefully.

**Dumbledore- (Enters through the door) Sit down Malfoy you little shit! If you do not sit down this instant I will spank your diapered toosh.**

"He wears a diaper?" asked Lily unbelievingly. Meanwhile, everyone else was laughing their heads off. Sirius was rolling on the floor, while James looked like he was about to fall over. Remus was bent over the side of his chair in tears of mirth. Even Severus was laughing. After a few minutes, the video resumed.

**Harry- Malfoy wears a diaper?**

**Dumbledore- He sure does. Draco, x-ray glasses. (Hands the glasses to Lavender)**

**Draco- This is all your fault, Potter. Just wait until my father hears about this.**

"Of course," sighed Sirius, "Lucius Malfoy is pretty high up already."

**Dumbledore- Well, well, well what fun! Welcome everybody to your very first magical year at Hogwarts. My name is Albus Dumbledore and I'll be your headmaster. Now you'll call me Dumbledore. OR ELSE! Now, by now you should have been sorted into one of four houses. Now during your time at Hogwarts, your houses will be like your family. Boring families who all hate each other. **

"The house rivalries just bring out the worst in everyone, especially with the cup," said Remus. "The House Cup just makes all the houses hate each other. Lily and Severus nodded, but James and Sirius protested.

"But it's fun!" exclaimed Sirius.

"Yeah," agreed James, "and it helps people develop responsibility and- stuff. Remus looked like he was going to say something else, but decided not to.

**Who will finally compete for this, the cup!**

**(Snape brings out cup)**

**Goyle- Look at that cup, I'd feed myself to Aragog's children for that cup!**

"Who's Aragog?" asked Lily curiously. The others just shrugged, they didn't have the slightest idea who or what it was.

**Ron- I'd kill for that cup.**

**Harry- That cup is ours Slytherin, you're gonna die.**

**(All houses start yelling at each other)**

"See!" proclaimed Remus. "It just makes everyone hate each other! Especially like how Gryffindors hate Slytherins and vice versa," he said looking pointedly between James and Sirius and Severus.

**Dumbledore- You can't kill each other in the great hall you have to wait until you're on the Quidditch field.**

**Dean- Quidditch? What you talking 'bout Dumbledore?**

"He doesn't know what quidditch is?" asked Sirius, looking aghast.

"It's only the best sport in the world!" shouted James.

"Guys," said Remus, "It can't be _that_ fun.

"Moony! You've only ever played two on two Quidditch with me, Sirius, and Peter! It is the best sport ever!" said James, shocked that anyone could think that Quidditch wasn't fun.

**Dumbledore- Dean, Quidditch is a magical sport just for Wizards and boy is it silly! **

"It's not silly!" yelled James. Remus smirked at him.

**We take you little cuties and shoot you thousands of miles up into the air on brooms. Where you bounce around big old balls and beat each other with long, thick clubs! And some other rules in there and you get points somehow, but the thing we all watch for is the blood.**

"That's not even close to what Quidditch really is!" said Sirius. "We're going to have to have a talk with Dumbledore," said Sirius seriously, "I think he's gone crazy." James was nodding his head fervently. They were obviously the only people in the room who understood Quidditch and its magnificence.

**Isn't that right Lupin?**

**Remus- (Enters) Sure as hell is Dumbledore.**

"I wouldn't say that," said Remus, "I only watch Quidditch to see James and Sirius. The said two raised their heads and looked around the room proudly. Severus rolled his eyes while Lily smiled at them kindly.

**Dumbledore- Kids, I'd like you to meet Remus Lupin, our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He's also volunteered to couch the Gryffindor Quidditch team. **

"I can't coach!" shouted Remus. "Besides, aren't the team captains on the team?"

"Yes," said Lily, "I guess it's just for the sake of the play." She too was confused, she had seen the boys play two on two and Remus was not very good. He barely knew the rules! But then again, she didn't know any more than he did.

**And let's not forget about my very good friend, and out potion master, and coach of the Slytherin team, Professor Snape.**

**Snape- (Claps for himself) Yay!**

"Hah!" said James triumphantly. "You didn't get any applause!"

"Neither did the w- Lupin." He had been that close to saying the werewolf. He had sworn to Dumbledore that he wouldn't tell anyone Lupin's secret. It didn't matter though, it would probably come up during this musical."

**I would like to take this opportunity to announce the Hogwarts Astronomy club. This year we'll be paying particularly close attention to the cycles of the moon. And their effects on a certain professor.**

**(Camera turns to Remus, who's shaking his head and mouthing "Son of a Bitch")**

Sirius and James were laughing once again, and Remus was beet red. Lily, who didn't understand merely looked her confusion.

**Snape- Remus Lupin for example. What do you like doing in the light of the full moon?**

Remus paled considerably. Sirius and James were shooting worried glances at him and glares at Severus. Lily would figure it out within the next twenty seconds; hopefully she wouldn't hate him too much.

**Remus- That's an easy one Snape. Kill!**

**(Lavender starts crying)**

**I mean, kill animals!**

**(Everyone starts crying)**

**I mean dance with animals!**

"Oh okay Moony, that makes sense," said Sirius

**Snape- Well if my calculations are correct, then it should be a full moon this very evening!**

"Remus?" said Lily warily.

"Yes?" Remus knew what she was about to say and was dreading it.

"Are you a werewolf?" asked Lily, plain and simple,

Remus put his head down and said very quietly, "Yes, since I was six."

To everyone's great surprise, Lily did not yell or run or do anything of the sort. Instead she shouted, "So that's how you got the nickname Moony!" All but Severus grinned, with Remus smiling the most.

**Remus- You're full of SHIT Snape!**

"Remus! Stop cussing in front of my son!"

**(Kids gasp and cover their ears)**

**I mean poopie.**

**It was a full moon just 30 days ago. In fact I must be going! I feel in the mood to kill some animals!**

**(Pulls out hand to see a wolf hand, rips open shirt to see a patch of hair.)**

**My transformation! It's beginning! Sorry kids! Speed... of a wolf! (Runs off stage)**

Remus looked pained at this. He had to transform in less than five days, on Christmas day of course.

**Snape- Goodbye!**

**Dumbledore- Anyway on a more serious note, Hogwarts isn't all fun and games and trying to violently kill each other. Your lives could be in grave danger as well!**

"But," said Severus quizzically , "doesn't trying to violently kill each other put your lives in danger?"

**Cho- Why whatever could you mean, professor Dumbledore?**

**Dumbledore- Why it's Cho Chang! How're you doing Cho? Well I'm sure that by now you've all heard that the violent criminal Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban. **

Sirius looked like he was being tortured, every time he was mentioned. It just kept reminding him of what he did in the future.

James growled, "I know you never would have done something like that, you are my best friend! You must've been framed or something!" He said this with such confidence that even Severus though Sirius might be innocent after all.

**And the ministry isn't taking the threat he imposes to Hogwarts very lightly.**

**Neville- Oh d-d-dear! Do you mean Professor that Sirius Black could be headed h-h-here?**

"I would never hurt anyone!" protested Sirius.

"We know that Sirius, don't worry," said Lily in a very calming tone.

**Dumbledore- I sure do, Schlongbottom. In fact there might be some cute little Gryffindor that's leading him right to our doorstep!**

**Ron- Thanks Herman!**

**Harry- Ron he said cute, he could only have been talking about me.**

Everyone but Severus laughed. "He's just as arrogant as his father, and I'm going to have to teach him!" groaned Severus. James and Sirius shot glares at him, but Lily and Remus both laughed. They knew how arrogant James could be.

**Ron- Oh yeah. Herm-ey-one's a butt.**

**Dumbledore- She sure is Ron! **

"Wow," snorted Lily, "Dumbledore sure is nice."

**So anyway, the ministry has sent a new security officer to help keep, (sings) Harry Potter!, as well as everybody else here safe as can be! So! Kids, I want you to help me by giving a big warm Hogwarts welcome to, Professor Umbridge.**

**(Stomping noises)**

"What the hell is that?" asked Sirius fearfully. James sniggered at him.

"Padfoot, it's a play." Sirius didn't look embarrassed at all. Instead he just started laughing with James.

**(Door opens, revealing a man dressed in a pink dress, bleach blonde hair and headpiece.)**

"OH DEAR GOD!" said Lily, bursting into laughter. Sirius couldn't breathe and was laughing silently. James was rolling around on the floor roaring with laughter. Severus and Remus were both doubled over. Severus recovered the fastest and regained his impassive face with nothing more than a smirk on it. Remus and Lily stopped laughing second, and after several minutes James and Sirius calmed down.

**Dumbledore- (Takes Severus's hands) Severus, I was under the impression that the ministry was sending a woman! Not this handsome stud muffin! So dreamy! Sexy man!**

"Eww!" said James looking disgusted. "We did not need to know that!"

"And why is he holding Snape's hands!" asked Sirius make a revolted face.

**Harry- Who is that guy?**

**Ron- That's no guy! That's Dolores Umbridge. My dad told me about her. He says she can't be killed. He says she drinks blood!**

"She's definitely not a vampire," mutter Remus, " she hates everything except pureblood wizards." Lily joined James and Sirius in their looking livid. Sirius grabbed a piece of paper and made a list titled, _People to Prank_ and put Dolores Umbridge at the top. Severus smirked. Some people did deserve it, and that woman was one of them.

**Hermione- I heard that she used to be the warden of Azkaban, and the dementors that worked there are only afraid of one thing. Her.**

**Seamus- Well I 'eard that once a dementor kissed her, and it died.**

"Is she really that awful?" asked Lily, smirking.

"Probably," said Sirius. "She's an awful person. I doubt she has a soul anyway," muttered Sirius darkly.

**Neville- Oh dear!**

**Dumbledore- Well, uh! Professor Snape will now escort the boys to their dormitories, and Professor Umbridge has asked to have a word with all of you ladies, about the girls' dorm.**

"Don't the poor girls alone with- it!" shouted Lily, looking aghast.

**Snape- Walk this way! (Runs off)**

As they laughed at Snape's dramatic exit, James got up to click the button to go to the next clip.

**A/N I guess this is a little diagram showing where everyone is sitting. James and Lily are on the couch. **

**_DESK_**

**_SS SB _**

**_L J R_**


	7. Act 1 Part 6

James got up to click the button to go to the next clip. "Wait!" said Lily. "I think we should take a break for a while." James shrugged and went back from the computer.

"What time is it?" asked Sirius. "I haven't eaten in _forever!_"

"Honestly Sirius!" laughed Lily. "How are you not the size of a killer whale with all the eating you do?"

Sirius glared at her indignantly. "I just happened to be hungry. Gosh, can't a man eat around here?"

"Let's just go to the kitchens!" said Remus. Everyone began to get up except Severus. Lily looked at him curiously, and wondered why he wasn't coming.

"I'm not hungry, and someone has to stay in the room to keep it from changing, right?" Surprisingly James nodded at him politely, and then they left the Room of Requirement, towards the kitchens.

"I shall lead the way, dear children!" shouted Sirius grandly. He began marching down the hall in front of everyone, guiding them to the kitchens.

Sirius was pushed aside and James took his place and said loudly, "Fear not! I will lead you to food-land!" They heard feet running down the hall towards them and they stopped talking quickly.

Peter Pettigrew was standing in front of them, panting slightly. "Guys!" he said. "Where have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you!"

"Sorry Peter," Remus apologized. "We were in the Room of Requirement with Snape and Lily watching a musical about James's son from the future on a computer that was sent by unknown people. Peter blinked at him.

"Well," he began "I wasn't expecting that."

"Do you want to watch, Wormtail?" asked Sirius. Peter nodded and joined them in their walking. "We're going to the kitchens first." Then Sirius looked confused, "Why are you here? I thought you went home for Christmas?"

"I was," Peter replied, "but my parents decided to go to my great-aunts house and she really doesn't like me and I feel the same way, so I got permission from Professor Dumbledore to floo back into Hogwarts."

After about thirty minutes of mostly Sirius, James, and Peter feasting, they headed back to the Room of Requirement and walked in, James leading the way. Sirius was watching him grumpily from behind. Severus was waiting for them, reading a book called _Moste Potente Potions_. James conjured a chair for Peter to the left of the couch and sat back down on the couch with Lily. Remus quickly explained what was going on so far to Peter, and then clicked the play button.

**Dumbledore: Well if it isn't Harry Fucking Potter.**

**Haven't seen you since you were a cute little baby. Didn't you grow up into a sexy little bitch like your father?**

"Aw hell yes!" bellowed James. "Even Dumbledore knows how sexy I am!"

Sirius looked repulsed. "Dumbledore, the really _old_ guy, remember?" James's grin fell from his face and he took on a revolted look.

**Harry: You knew my dad?**

**Dumbledore: I sure did and your mom too. Both of them were in Gryffindor House when they came to Hogwarts. I forget where the Scarf put them though.**

"Don't worry guys," said Remus. "Once we make the Scarf of Sexuality we'll figure it out." He grinned cheekily at Lily who just smiled and rolled her eyes.

"Really?" asked Peter excitedly. "Are you really going to make one? Will it talk?"

"Of course!" said James. "Gryffindor House _needs _this! It'll stay in the tower for all the little first years to be sorted!"

**Harry: Well, what did you get Sorted when you came to Hogwarts?**

**Dumbledore: Gay as the Fourth of July, **

"So he is gay!" shouted Severus. Everyone turned to look at him. "What? It just proved my suspicions."

**oh you mean from the Hat. Uh, Gryffindor Harry, you should be very proud because Gryffindor is the House of the good guys.**

James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter cheered for 'the good guys.'

**Now you get that cute little tush off to bed you scamp.**

**Harry: Alright, bye Dumbledore.**

**Dumbledore: Alright.**

**Scarf: Alright Dumbledore, let's go to bed. I'm so over Sorting these little bastards.**

**Dumbledore: Scarfy?**

**Scarf: What? Some of them are bastards, that little Draco Malfoy is he gonna be a pain in the nose.**

"Because he's a Slytherin!" sang Sirius.

**Dumbledore: Oh Scarfy!**

**Scarf: Oh Dumble-dear, come on. Let's go fung-shway your office.**

**Dumbledore: Oh yeah, I feel like it's missing a water element.**

**Scarf: Follow me.**

**(Girls playing with their hair and laughing)**

**Umbridge: Eh hem, now girls, I know that this is your first year at Hogwarts and I know that some of you might be nervous or frightened. But girls, I'm here to make your time at Hogwarts as totally awesome as possible.**

**Because girls, I'm not just a teacher or security officer, in fact I like to think of all of you as my daughters.**

**And that makes me your momma;**

"But-" Peter said, "he's a man!"

**a very loving and caring momma I am. So, for all of us girls to get along in the girls' dormitory this year, I have just some very simple rules that must be obeyed.**

**Rule #1: No boys, unless they're cute.**

"Oh god," groaned Lily, "that's disgusting!"

**(Cho and her friends clap)**

**Rule #2: No alcohol, unless there's plenty to go around.**

The Marauders cheered.

**Stop it girls I'm bad and Rule #3: No parties, unless Umbridge is invited! (cheering)**

"I would never, ever throw a party if I had to invite him- er it" said Sirius solemnly

**Haha, girls, girls, girls, you keep me young girls, you keep me young. Der-der-der-der**

Everyone was laughing. "I'm going to start laughing like that!" promised James in complete seriousness.

**But seriously girls, if I do catch you dating boys and alcohol, I'm gonna rip your perky little boobs off.**

**That's right, from now on we gonna be doing things around here my way. We gonna be doing things around here the UMBRDIGE WAY! (grabs ponytail of the little girl crying and makes her stand) I'm sorry, did I make you cry you chubby little fucker?**

**That's alright, human tears are very natural (kisses tear off her finger). In fact, when I was a young human, tears would flow from my eyeballs all the time. Until one day, when my Momma Umbridge said to me, "Dolores, girl, you put down that cheesecake. You throw out that fondue and you get up off of that couch girl. Get on up! Sit down!**

**And from that moment forward, I picked up anything I could find and I hoisted it over my head and I ate nothing but protein shakes, falcon eggs, and rocks!**

**Cause I'll tell you girls, it's a man's world out there and to get ahead you've gotta be stronger than a man, you've gotta be a woman. I am woman, hear me smash!**

**So get up girls, get on up and fall in. Dress up that line. It's a momma bear's job to keep her baby bears safe and I'm gonna do just that. (kisses each of them)**

**And to do that, I'm gonna toughen you girls up. From this day forward, you're gonna do 500 push-ups a day. Except for you Cho Chang, you don't gotta do a god damn thing.**

**Cho: Goodie.**

**Umbridge: Yeah because everybody already just thinks that you're so god damn perfect, don't they?**

**Cho: Well, I certainly hope I haven't given them any reason not to think so.**

**(laugh together)**

**Umbridge: And funny too! Isn't she just a fucking peach girls? Don't we just fucking love her? (grabs her hair)**

"Why do the kids only gasp and cover their ears when I cuss?" protested an incredulous Remus.

**Lesson #1 girls, little skanks like her are always going to get whatever they want and the rest of you, you are going to have to eat each other to get ahead because that's the way the world works for frumpy, little terds like us!**

**I mean, like you. Now girls, get on upstairs and brush them cute little teeth of ours and if I catch you outside of bed past 21 hundred hours, I won't be afraid to stick a red-hot curling iron up them cute little puckered buttholes of yours because that's what my momma did to me and I won't be afraid to do it to my daughters. Lights out!**

"Oh. My. God." said Lily, gaping. She looked shocked and disgusted.

"This- person is terrifying!" whimpered Sirius.

"I'm scared!" James, looking alarmed. Everyone turned to him. Lily began to tell him that this was in the future and in a play, but he cut her off. "I mean, for my son's sake!" he recovered.

Remus went and began playing the next video, whilst James and Sirius looked terrified, Severus looked smug at their fear, Peter looked like he wanted to hide underneath the couch, and Lily was watching all this with a strange amusement on her face.


	8. Act 1 Part 7

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or A Very Potter Sequel. _**

_Remus went and began playing the next video, whilst James and Sirius looked terrified, Severus looked smug at their fear, Peter looked like he wanted to hide underneath the couch, and Lily was watching all this with a strange amusement on her face._

**Seamus: Morning Miss Chang.**

**Dean: Carry those books for you? (run off after Cho)**

"She's not that pretty," said James. "Why is everyone worshipping her?"

**Ron: Charms suck, **

Lily frowned at Ron.

**Potions suck,**

Severus glared at the screen.

**Transfiguration sucks!**

James and Sirius looked outraged.

**Harry: Best class is definitely Satanic Rituals, man.**

"What the fuck is wrong with my kid!?" asked James, looking terrified. Lily rolled her eyes at him. She started to remind James that it was _just _a musical and Satanic Rituals wasn't a class at Hogwarts, but Sirius, as usual, cut her off.

"I don't know!" answered Sirius. "He's creepy!"

**Hermione: Hey guys, so where we headed?**

**Ron: Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, Harry and I are going to Quidditch try-outs.**

James cheered wildly for his son, and Sirius whooped loudly.

**Hermione: Quidditch but you can't try out for Quidditch. My parents say that sports are bad for your teeth.**

"What?" asked Remus confusedly. "I don't like sports much but seriously, _bad for your teeth?_" Peter looked bewildered towards the screen. James and Sirius were snickering quietly while Severus scowled at them.

**Ron: I don't care.**

**Hermione: Why don't you try for an extracurricular activity that's intellectually stimulating and teeth friendly? We can try out for Wizard Chess Club or Wizard Debate.**

"Boring!" shouted the Marauders simultaneously.

**Harry: (being grabbed by Ron) Okay, listen, why don't you go do that lame, boring stuff and Ron and I will do the fun, dangerous stuff?**

"Yeah! Go Harry!" cheered Sirius. James beamed at his best friend's animated support of his son. There was no way he could ever kill _anyone!_

**Hermione: Yeah, or we could do something together?**

**Ron: No, Herman, we can't because Harry and I want to have fun and get girlfriends…**

**And we can't do that with you just sagging along all the time. So, why don't you go hang out with Moaning Myrtle?**

**Hermione: Because she thinks I'm annoying! (Ron does a gesture)**

"Even Moaning Myrtle thinks she's annoying?" said Lily, laughing so quietly that no one would notice unless they were looking for it on her face. "She must really be bad!"

**You know, maybe I'll just try out for Quidditch. It's not like you can kick me off the field.**

**Remus: Ah ha, puked my guts out, hey guys who invited Boo Radley? (laughs)**

"What?" asked all the non-muggleborns, which was all but Lily.

"Muggle book thing," she replied dismissively.

**Get the hell off the field Herman. I'm not kidding! Beat it. **

"That's rude Remus!" chastised Lily disapprovingly.

"That's not me! I promise!" protested Remus pleadingly.

**Alright, guys, who's ready to win that House Cup? (boys cheer)**

**That's what I like to hear. So, what've we got here? Quidditch, the most ancient and silliest of all Wizarding sports, **

"It's not silly Moony!" bellowed Sirius as he sprang from his chair. Remus only rolled his eyes at Sirius, who looked affronted. Sirius finally returned to his seat after he noticed the look Lily was giving him. James looked like he would like to jump from his seat as well, but Lily had her hand on his arm. She switched giving looks between James and Sirius.

**some of you may know the Gryffindor Pee-wee Team hasn't won a match in 14 years.**

**But I think with me as your coach and you little stallions as my team, there's no way we're losing to Slytherin or Ravenclaw or Jigglypuff.**

"Really Remus," said James, exasperated. "Jigglypuff?" Remus only shrugged.

**Alright, so, who here has ever played Quidditch before huh? (No one moves) **

"Really?" squeaked Peter. "Gryffindor is going to lose for sure!" Severus looked just slightly pleased at the thought of Slytherin winning the cup. Ravenclaw never stood a chance, much less Hufflepuff. James and Sirius were nodding sadly at Peter.

**That's okay, that's okay, ah how about riding a broom? Has anyone ever ridden a broom before? (No one moves, but Ron)**

"Yes!" said Sirius.

**Ron: Oh no just stretching.**

"So close!" said James sadly. "They'll never have a chance."

**Remus: Oh alright uh, has anyone ever thrown or caught a ball before?**

**Neville: There was one thrown at me once.**

"This team is awful!" moaned Sirius.

**Ron: Yeah it was. Woo!**

**Remus: -mumbles- Thomas, Finnegan, let's go.**

**Seamus: Yes sir, governor.**

**Dean: Yeah, what up boss?**

**Remus: Alright guys, I want you to take these and practice hitting each other with them okay? You guys are the Beaters.**

"That's not what a beater does Remmy!" James looked truly anguished at the terrible team.

**Dean: Is this right? (hits Seamus in stomach and he collapses)**

**Remus: Yes Dean, that's good. That's very good. Ron, you're Keeper. (misses throw)**

"Oh no," said Sirius.

**Harry, Harry**

**Harry: Yeah Coach?**

**Remus: Listen Harry, you're really the most important guy okay? You see this thing, it's called a Snitch. Now, during the game it's going to sprout wings and fly all over this giant stadium and it's your job to catch it.**

**Harry: That sounds easy enough.**

**Remus: You're the Seeker Harry just like your dad.**

"But you're a catcher, right?" asked Lily. James nodded at her, before turning back to the screen.

**Harry: You knew my dad?**

"No, Harry." said James monotonously. "We've never met, not even once." Sirius, Remus, and Peter snickered as Lily smiled. Severus ignored them.

**Remus: Yeah I knew him, he and I used to play Quidditch together.**

"You've never played Quidditch with me!" shouted James. "We should do another two on two match tomorrow or something so you won't be lying to my kid."

"James," explained Remus, "I don't play Quidditch, and I'm not going to lie to your future kid."

**I don't know if you know this Harry but I was your dad's best friend.**

James and Sirius looked awkward, but it was Remus who spoke. "James, I know your best friend is Sirius. It's fine, I know how close you two are." James immediately looked relieved and Remus smiled at him.

**Harry: I thought the traitor Sirius Black was my dad's best friend.**

"I'm not a traitor!" pleaded Sirius. Severus rolled his eyes at him. Even some of the "best" people turned bad.

**Remus: No, who told you this; did your dad tell you?**

"I'm dead, Remus! He never met me!" said James angrily. He stopped at the look on his friends face. Why had he snapped at him? It wasn't even him and it wasn't his fault! Remus was looking downcast; how could his friend be _dead?_

**Harry: Well, I didn't get a chance to talk to him after he died.**

**Remus: Good, it's probably just hear-say**

**Alright, let's play some Quidditch. Get on a broom, Harry get on that broom there and make my best friend proud.**

**Snape: Hey who's that? Hagrid?**

"Hagrid is nice to us!" said Peter. Severus looked agitated. So many people everywhere favored the Gryffindors. People like Hagrid completely avoided even looking at people like Severus.

**Remus: No, it's not Hagrid, Snape! What are you even doing here? Gryffindor has the field today, I reserved it weeks ago.**

**Snape: Not according to my schedule, Slythereen has the field so that we can train our new Seeker, Draco Malfoy.**

"Go away Snape!" exclaimed Sirius. "Your little snakes shall never beat the Gryffindor Lions!" Severus looked annoyed at Sirius's antics. Lily was the only reason he had decided to come with the Marauders to watch this. He would never have, on any terms, come otherwise.

**Remus: Alright, listen that is impossible okay? I got a slip from Dumbledore maybe he, maybe he accidently signed the field out to both of us.**

**Snape: That's absurd!**

**Remus: Hey! You're absurd!**

**Snape: What? Say that again to my face.**

**Remus: You're absurd!**

**Snape: That's absurd!**

**Remus: Ah!**

**Snape: Let's see this slip from Dumbledore, if it does exist.**

**Remus: Fine, I've got it right here. MEOW! (everyone freaks as cat is on Remus' hand)**

Three of the Gryffindor boys screamed. "Remus, hurry! Get it off!" cried James.

"It'll eat your whole hand!" shrieked Peter. Remus smiled at his friends fondly; they could be so stupid sometimes.

**Keep that, keep that thing out my things okay?**

**Hermione: I'm sorry.**

**Remus: What was I even doing? Ah, alright here.**

**Snape: Why this is preposterous! I demand to see Dumbledore at once.**

**Remus: Fine let's go.**

**Snape: Right let's go.**

**Harry: Well, it's gonna be a while so I might as well take this time to pull out a funky tune.**

"I wanted to hear his song!" complained Peter. Severus ignored him and began the next video.


End file.
